death of a sparrow

This morning as I departed for work I discovered a dead sparrow on my steps. Initially, I thought it was a sad thing, then my mind wandered to the idea of the universality of death and finally, the thought that in some cultures or in other times this may have been taken as an omen of bad things to come. Was this an omen I wondered? I know I have taken comfort in the past at discovering a praying mantis in my yard, actually often perched atop my door way as if monitoring my comings and goings. In the oriental culture, the presence of a praying mantis portends good fortune. No, I decided, the dead sparrow on my steps was not a bad omen. But yes, the praying mantis was a good sign. Basically, I chose to reject the negative notion but accept the favorable one.

I grabbed a shovel to pick up the bird and place it gently into my garbage can. Perhaps I should have buried it in the yard, but the garbage can was a more expedient option and I didn't want Joni to discover the bird for herself for fear that she would find it upsetting. The bird seemed remarkably, silently at rest. I could easily imagine its skittish and rapid movements in life as I have witnessed these birds almost daily throughout the years. I could see the way it would tilt its head from side to side to look at you, how it would hop on the ground and how its wings would flutter just prior to taking flight.

The contrast between this vision of the bird in life and the still body on my shovel was a revelation to me. Earlier this week I had heard a quote by John Muir, "Death is as beautiful as life." That statement has lingered in my mind since that time. There is a truth to it that I hadn't considered before. I had never really thought of death in those terms. And now, before me, lay this fragile little bird, eyes closed in a peaceful, quiet and still oblivion. It was oddly beautiful. We all pass through this world like visitors, vast numbers of us sharing the same time and place on this earth. We overlap. Some of us pass early in our visit, others pass during other times. Some are born during our visit and linger beyond our own time. Everybody who has ever lived on this planet has and will cease to exist in this realm. As a child, death would frighten me. Now, as I grow older, I see it is the way of all things and there is a beauty in the cycle and universality of the process. "Death is as beautiful as life."

Class Reunion

Sadly, I've reached yet another milestone in my life, the 40th reunion of my graduating high school class. Yes, I'm old. This is a fact not lost on me. Whenever I encounter a former classmate, immediately after our initial surprised greeting, there is a pause, followed by an exasperated and shared simultaneous utterance, "We're old!" (But, I must admit in a vain - and I mean this in both definitions of the word - way, I still look pretty damn good for an old guy!)

Interestingly, nobody in my graduating class, specifically the class officers, wanted to take on the responsibility of organizing a reunion. Former classmates asked me if I had heard anything about an upcoming event. No, I had not nor had they. Ultimately, I decided if nobody was going to do it, then I would rise to the occasion. After all, it is our 40th. I reasoned that this way I would have the power to fashion the event to my "vision" of a successful reunion.

I had participated in the planning of my 30th and part of the criticism of that reunion was attributed directly to my influence. I had been told by somebody in the class before mine that they had held their reunion at our old school. The school provided catering at a reasonable price and he claimed it was a big success affording everybody the opportunity to see the old school, have a nice meal and mingle. I campaigned for our reunion to be held at our school. In short the food was mediocre even for the price, the setting was a little depressing (being held in the cafeteria area where no amount of decorations could enhance the dismal room. True, it was our old school, so what more could you expect by way of a lavish room? Nonetheless . . . ) and overall, perhaps the school was best left in our "enriched" memory rather than presented to us in its stark present-day reality. So perhaps part of my motivation in assuming command of our reunion was as a means of atonement.

Luckily, I had been in discussion with two of my former classmates regarding our reunion. Both were on the 30-year planning committee with me so I was not alone. We reasoned that although we could enlist the aid of others, perhaps it would be better to keep our number small. This would enable us to make decisions swiftly without a large group consensus and we could justifiably organize a simple, uncomplicated reunion that could be executed nimbly since we didn't have much time. After all of these years, you'd think my cynicism would have kicked in to warn me, but almost immediately after announcing that I was taking on the reunion, criticism (and offers to help) ensued. How word of my efforts spread so quickly I'll never know. Classmates emerged from the woodwork. Admittedly, I was offended and angered by the criticism and suggestions from the once silent, non-existent contingent. My initial reaction was to ignore my classmates and proceed accordingly, but later I decided to allow them a forum to provide their input to ultimately diffuse their post-reunion criticisms.

I extended an invitation to all interested parties to meet to discuss their ideas, argue for my original concept and gain some sort of consensus going forward. In the end, nine people attended. At the conclusion of the meeting, my ideas were supported and embraced overall with the added benefit of additional support in implementing the reunion. We will be having a reception at Phillips Gallery in Salt Lake City on a Friday night in August. There will be hors d'oeuvres, drinks and an open bar. My main conceit is that nobody likes a sit-down dinner with an exorbitant price as a venue for a reunion. Primarily, people just want to visit, move about freely and re-connect with old friends. A reception in a nice setting provides just such an opportunity. Classmates need only show-up, pay the admission price and visit to their heart's content.

I did have difficulties during the initial planning session. Everybody wanted to catch-up and as mentioned, some had opposing views regarding the reunion. It was aggravating for me. When I complained to a friend, she asked me why I would volunteer to spearhead the reunion. I wasn't particularly popular. Truth be told, I was pretty much under the radar. I didn't form a lot of friendships and those friendships that I did form have not particularly endured over the years.

I suppose my motivations are numerous. As mentioned above, there is the atonement thing. I feel badly that the main criticism for the last reunion was directly attributable to me. Perhaps another motivation is to attempt a "do-over" of my time in high school. I never felt like I took full advantage of the social and enjoyable possibilities back then, hampered by my massive insecurities and shyness. Perhaps it is a nice distraction from my recent diagnosis of prostate cancer while I decide upon what course of treatment to ultimately undergo. Perhaps it is just the enjoyment of planning a social event. It is oddly stimulating, amusing and fulfilling to me. (Somehow working on the reunion has brought me back to that scrawny, shy high school kid. I LIKE that kid even though he may not have liked himself very much back then. I feel more complete, more whole - myself re-invented. I am the product of all of my experiences and I have re-animated that more vulnerable, insecure part of me that also possessed more hope, more optimism and wonder. I am younger, less cynical, more joyful.)

Whatever the reason for engaging in the planning of my reunion though, I AM having a good time and I'm confident that a good time will be had by all.

conspicuous consumerism: my single-handed attempt to buoy the U.S. economy

"What do you want for Father's Day?" Joni asked me a few days ago. I'm not sure how this tradition of giving presents to each other on Mother's Day and Father's Day began between us. This ritual continually perplexes me. Joni is not my mother, nor am I her father. Logically, it may have begun when Joni was pregnant with Marissa, our daughter, but I vaguely recall it began earlier than that. Who am I to argue with an opportunity for a gift though? Joni knows I always want SOMETHING and that the path of least resistance is to just ask. We're both much happier that way. I have to interject though that she rarely reciprocates. When I ask her what she wants, she shrugs, "Surprise me," she inevitably responds, which puts tremendous pressure upon me until the ceremonial unwrapping. Usually she's pleased with my efforts, but believe me, if she is not, she cannot disguise her disappointment . . . But I digress.

As always, I make a mental note of our financial circumstances and gauge how much I feel we can afford to spend this time around. Father's Day is a more trivial "holiday" so I never go for the big ticket items. No, such things are best requested around Christmas. But, I always covet items in a broad price range for just such occasions. This year I have opted for a Flash USB Swiss Army Knife. This handy little device sports the small blade, the scissors, the fingernail file, LED flashlight, pen and a USB flash drive (8GB. It also comes in 4GB and 16GB sizes). It comes in around $75 on Amazon.com, my go-to shopping mall in cyberspace.

I recognize that there is something unseemly about my acquisitiveness and believe me, I have tried for many years to curtail it. I was extremely successful when I was laid off from AT&T (after 23 years, but don't get me started!). Necessity is a wonderful motivator. As an example, my doctor recently ordered me to lose weight due to issues that could escalate. Nothing serious, your usual pre-diabetes potential, high blood pressure, elevating cholesterol, etc. Yes, I'm a mess! Thank you very much! Vanity used to serve as a motivator to keep my weight down to some extent, but conspicuous consumption is my disease of choice and it extends into all aspects of my life. So I was losing (which means gaining weight) on that front as well. Now, happily, I am trimmer than I have been in years. Necessity is a cruel but effective master. But again, I digress.

Some years have passed since my layoff from AT&T and we have equalized our income to a relatively stable point (thanks, primarily to Joni. God bless her Yale Law School education). So needless to say, my bad habits have returned. I can attest that my purchases occur less often and at a much scaled-down rate, so I suppose I am making some progress. I recognize I have a problem and they say recognition is the beginning of the road to recovery. I often joke that I am simply trying to do my share to stimulate the U.S. economy through my purchases, but let's face it, I often feel guilty at any indulgences.

The two indulgences I don't regret in my life however (and these are big ones, mind you), are my Audi TT and my Steinway Grand Piano. I have coveted the TT from the moment it was unveiled to the public in 1999. To me, it is the standard of automobile design excellence, maintaining an integrity of design that is evident in every detail down to the door handles. I have the privilege of driving this design masterpiece to and from work every day.

And the Steinway, well it was not my idea to purchase it so I can plead a certain amount of innocence in ultimately becoming a proud owner. Joni had a friend who was encountering some financial setbacks and thus offered her the piano at a very reasonable price. The piano was in desperate need of rehabilitation, but even with those costs factored in, it was a bargain. Just as I smile contentedly driving my TT, so too, do I smile whenever I sit down to play a tune on my piano.

Yes, I have mixed feelings about my capitalistic ways. I suppose I should just get over those feelings of guilt. We spend our money how we choose to spend it. Some opt for drugs, some for lavish homes. Some, many, are not as fortunate. Overall, I guess I should just be thankful that I do have disposable income available. I am grateful that I have a roof over my head, that I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. Yes, there are many people who are far more fortunate than I am, but there are many who are far less fortunate as well. Even more importantly, I have to conclude (as I process this through this writing) we have to be thankful for all of our blessings and not for just the material things. The idea that our possessions can be taken from us in an instant is evident in the news photos of events like the various tsunamis, and tornadoes that have recently transpired. "Things" wear out, are destroyed, become obsolete.

The truly important aspects of our life are not the material objects. They are the relationships we form, the way we live our life, the manner in which we share our journey. I am blessed with a wife who loves me, a beautiful, intelligent daughter, and an overall happy life. The TT and the Steinway are nice little embellishments, but in a fire, they can burn. It would be my wife and daughter I would be saving.