bad dreams

I had a recurring dream that haunted me frequently. In it, I am walking on the embankment of a river at night. As I’m walking, I look into the river and can discern forms moving under the surface. The forms become clearer the longer I look. The river is teeming with life and I am amazed by the size and quantity of marine life present. Much larger forms move into view, startling for their size. They are almost frightening. They move slowly, menacingly. Then the shark forms appear. They move swiftly, purposefully among the other forms. They are indeed frightening and I can feel the quickening of my pulse as I sense their power. They are aware of my presence. They are waiting patiently for a misstep on my part that would send me into those waters. Even though I am safely on land, they still pose a very real threat. I back away from the river into the road, watching the dark silhouettes of their form circling and moving.

After a time, the dream evolved. I am in the same place at night, only it begins to rain and the shadows in the river have transitioned from sharks into alligators. Every other component of the dream is similar, only this time as I back away from the river, alligators of varying sizes prowl the road. They are not fully aware of my presence in the darkness. The pouring rain seems to obscure their senses but it is only a matter of time. I stand frozen contemplating my next move . . .

I “likes” my nightmares, although they have abated.

adrenaline rushes - the good, the bad and the ugly

For some reason, I began thinking about some of my previous "adrenaline rushes." Some could be categorized as "good," some "bad" and at least one of them as "ugly." Although this list is not all inclusive, following are some that I wanted to share in roughly chronological order:

As a child, I scratched my way to victory in fights. I drew a lot of blood this way. My aunt chastised me for causing my cousin to bleed and cry and told me it was wrong and “girly” to fight this way. Guided by her words, I adjusted, changing tactics by confining my assaults to fists only. I remember being proud of myself as I drew just as much blood in my next fight without even scratching! (I know, I know – it’s “the ugly” I included in the title. Needless to say, I’m really quite the pacifist in my adulthood.)

Holding Gwen Monson’s hand through the movie Camelot. I was in the eighth grade then and had harbored a horrible crush on Gwen since the seventh grade. It was a long movie and both of our hands were sweating profusely, but I didn’t care. Gwen Monson!

My first ride on a ten-speed bike.

Receiving my first single-lens reflex camera, a Nikkormat FTN, from Japanese exchange students related to my grandparents.

Cutting classes at the University of Utah to fly to San Francisco for the day with my girlfriend.

Getting lost in the corridors connecting the SL Arts Center with Symphony Hall and ending up on the stage of Symphony Hall with a sea of empty seats before me.

Drawing the number “125” in the draft lottery during the Vietnam War. This meant I was relatively safe and unlikely to be called to duty.

Looking over a scenic vista after the first rock-climbing ascent with my friends.

Rappelling down the cliff after the first rock-climbing ascent with my friends.

Catching the sight of two gray whales below the rocky cliffs of Oregon while watching sea lions at play.

The birth of my daughter, Marissa.

Riding horses into Bryce Canyon.

Watching helplessly as Marissa’s horse went wild shortly after she mounted it during the above-mentioned ride into Bryce Canyon. She held on in spite of its bucking, long enough for the guide to catch up to her and calm the horse.

My first solo drive across the United States.

Receiving the very first call as I walked in the door of our new home in Wallingford, CT from Nikon World magazine. They called to ask if I would be willing to send them some of my photos for an article they hoped to write about me.

Chasing whales in a Zodiac in the foggy Gulf of Alaska.

Road trips with my daughter.

Kayaking past an eight-foot alligator in the Florida Everglades.

Overturning my kayak and falling into the waters of the Florida Everglades shortly after passing that eight-foot alligator.

Being surprised by the sudden appearance of a sea turtle as I swam with my daughter in the Pacific Ocean just off the coast of Honolulu.

Producing the images for my most recent show at Phillips Gallery (see http://www.phillips-gallery.com/gallery/g.html Click on Dibble Gallery and scroll to my exhibition).

My chance encounter with Martin Scorsese in an elevator of the Waldorf Astoria.

Stolen moments with special friends.

Kung-Fu, a combination of grace, ritual, expression and purpose.

My first ride on a recumbent trike.

the boy scout motto

I just thought it might be interesting to share the contents of my BBP ("Bum Back Pack" – so named because when worn, it sits very, very low on your back, down to your you-know-what to distribute the weight more effectively). I’m sure it reflects a sort of crazed, misguided Boy Scout mentality, but contained within my bag are the following:

A digital voice recorder
A Swedish flint and spark tool
A signal mirror
A compass
A compact monocular/microscope combination
A digital point-and-shoot camera
A spare memory card for the camera
An SD card reader for the memory card for the digital camera
A miniature tripod
A waterproof/shockproof 8 Gig memory stick containing no useful data whatsoever
A personal journal
A notebook
A calligraphy pen
A regular pen
A slim LED pen light
An earbud/microphone combination for my iPod Touch
An emergency survival whistle
A lock-picking tool
A small Swiss Army Knife (the kind with the tweezers, toothpick, blade, scissors and nail file)

It bears mentioning that my cell phone and iPod are on my person at all times. I recognize this is an odd conglomeration of paraphernalia to carry with me, only a few of which have found any practical use during my normal business day (like the pen). However, one never knows what situation might arise to call forth any or a number of these items. I welcome, no actively solicit any suggestions for other items that might be handy to have at my disposal. One never knows . . .

new year's resolutions

Along the way somewhere I've lost my sunny disposition. No, much worse than that, I've lost my joie de vivre. I think I had a vague sense of this when I posted my blog about being happy like Hugh Jackman (see May 2009). I've become a grumpy old man, reluctant to venture forth at night, disgruntled by the news of the day, disdainful of narcissistic, self-absorbed members of the younger generation(s). I am annoyed and dismayed that the synapses in my brain no longer fire with the same speed and regularity they once enjoyed. They now react like clogged, misfiring spark plugs. I have difficulty summoning up facts and information I WANT to remember, let alone the ones I used to draw upon on only an occasional basis. I wonder sometimes if some of the neural connections even exist at all anymore.

I am irritated by the technology I once embraced, surrendering to only a vague understanding of how things now work. The built-in GPS in my car has become a taunting reminder of how technology has become my tormentor rather than my friend. And where is the flawless service, respect and accord I've earned from my many years of tenure on this earth? My bed, the one place I was always assured of blissful peace has become a battleground for my insomnia and exhaustion, interrupted by the pleading tugs of my bladder and various aches and pains to leave this once hallowed place and quickly, please! When I look in the mirror, an old man stares back, and not just an old man, but a fat one!

Thus is my present state as I rush headlong into 2010. I am reminded of a line in the latest movie "Up in the Air" where a young, ambitious college graduate explains to a world-weary George Clooney and his girlfriend that she should have a Jeep Cherokee by now. She wonders what their goals and time lines are at this stage in their life, to which they reply, "We don't set any objectives at this point in life, it tends to be counter-productive." Although it may be counter-productive to declare New Year's resolutions, I nonetheless have them and declare them here. Resolutions? To kill the grumpy old man! I hope to replace him with a more youthful soul and fitter body.

This year, I plan to CHOOSE to be happier, to lose weight and get healthier. I plan on expanding my "Chi" outward and invoking and expressing more passion in all that I do. I plan to focus on the celebration and revelry of the small precious moments and triumphs and move on from any of the pitfalls more quickly. I plan on NOT insulating myself from any potential pain or disappointment to the exclusion of trying new things or venturing into endeavors I once feared would fail. I plan on embracing the possibility of hurt and disappointment in the renewed hope that the opposite payoff might result. And after all, what are hurt and disappointment but an affirmation of a life fully lived? I plan to dance to the music that moves me, sing along in soulful harmony, practice the Kung-Fu moves I learned in my community ed class (all in the privacy of my own home, of course) and laugh slightly louder and in a more heartfelt way than I did in 2009. I plan to engage all that I encounter with humor and kindness and respect, regardless of how I'm treated. And I WILL be more appreciative of the many blessings life has afforded me.

Happy New Year.

the ultimate watch

I love watches. In my world, you can never have too many of them (just like cameras). So you can imagine my excitement when I recently ordered the Casio Pathfinder PAW1500T-7V, the watch Casio crowns their "ultimate" watch.

What, you may ask, merits an "ultimate" classification? Well, for one thing, it boasts a compass, an altimeter, a thermometer and a barometer. It also charts the ebb and flow of the tides (even though I am far from their reach in landlocked Salt Lake City). It displays the phases of the moon, has 33 world time zones, five alarms, a stopwatch and countdown timer. Even more impressive is the fact that it automatically synchs itself with the radio transmissions of the nearest atomic clock to render accuracy to within 1/16th of a second, all the while charging itself by the light of the sun or any other nearby light source so that you may never ever have to replace a battery! It even has an automatic backlight that is activated when you tilt your wrist to check the time in low ambient light. It is nicely designed with a General Patton military ruggedness that is ill-suited for formal events or those in search of refined elegance.

It comes packaged inside a small wooden box within a regular cardboard box, denoting it's "ultimate" status. And lastly, did I mention that this feature-packed electronic marvel weighs a quarter of a pound and looks like a manhole cover when strapped to my somewhat skinny (the only part of my anatomy that qualifies for this description) wrist?