parents, mortality, baggage, love

I'm of that age where many of my friends are beginning to lose their parents. I lost mine over three years ago. It's alarming and sad and as you can imagine, provokes reflections on mortality. I know this seems like a morbid subject, but it has been on my mind lately, especially since my in-laws are experiencing diminished health and talk in terms of the limited opportunities we might have of spending time with them. I wish I had some insights or conclusions to throw out here to allay all of our anxieties and allow us to shrug this line of thought off and move on. I don't.

I can offer from the observations of my friends who have recently experienced a loss (and of course my own), that like everything else, loss is a mixed bag. In some instances it provides relief, especially if pain or suffering of the dearly departed was involved. In most, it leaves a very big emptiness since our parents were the foundation of our self-esteem, security and authority. No matter how old you are, you are still the "child" of your parents.

We can attribute many of our shortcomings and strengths to our upbringing either because of or in spite of our parents, but nonetheless, they have left their mark upon us. We can choose to be bitter or grateful or a combination thereof in the scale of emotions. I've found friends who register on both extremes of this scale but even with them, the scale is a sliding one.

My thoughts after a few years are now primarily of fondness. I'd say I have some things I can be bitter about with both my mom and dad, but I've come to the conclusion that overall they had my best interests in mind. Their moments of anger and resentment towards me were, for the most part, caused by their frustration and bewilderment that I was not following the course they had plotted in their minds for me to attain happiness or success. I think they may have perceived that my contrary behavior was borne of rebellion and disrespect. I've thought about this a lot and I've concluded it was not. I wasn't deliberately doing things to provoke them (well, maybe sometimes), but I really thought that most of my decisions were the best ones I could make at that time. It's regrettable that I didn't come to this conclusion earlier.

Nonetheless, they nurtured many of my interests like photography and music during my formative years and provided me an environment that allowed me to explore these pursuits (and many others) fully. I am grateful for this. To this day my photography and music provide refuge, a creative outlet and an infinite amount of satisfaction in the ongoing cacophony of daily life. I'm grateful for the love and security they provided me as a child. In parenting we do our best (at least I hope most of us strive to), but we are all flawed and have our own special frailties. I suppose this is one of the conclusions I've taken away from my observations. If we recognize this, then I think all is well. We can be released from our grudges or resentments and move towards understanding and even more appreciation for the gifts our parents bestowed upon us.